I'm writing this from a Best Western in Redding, California. I turned on PokemonGo and there was only one PokeStop in the area, maybe the whole city. That's how I feel right now, like I'm in the middle of nowhere. But I did catch a bird. A poke bird, not a real one. I love it when people share the names they've made up for their Pokemon. I've been sitting here trying to muffle my giggles at what Jenny Lawson named her Pokemon. I think one was "Sad Balls". Maybe I'll name this bird "City Pigeon."
I haven't been sleeping well lately. I guess that's to be expected with a lot going on. Mostly I stay up into the night and drowsily watch Captain Janeway say fake science-y things with, what I assume, are mostly made up big words. (Star Trek for the uninformed. Also the actress who plays Red from Orange is the New Black.) I've been trying to journal, meditate, and sleep in, but my biological clock is f'd up. Without fail I'll wake up at 6:40am no matter when I've actually gone to bed. I'm hoping once I'm settled in I'll relax a little and so will my body and mind. With some discipline, and some drugs, I'll get a healthy routine going. Same thing with my diet. When I get emotionally overwhelmed my foodie tendencies go out the window and I don't eat as much. It will be kind of nice to be more in control over my diet from now on. Grandma cooked a lot of rice. No more rice for me! (except when I really want it)
The last 4 months (heck, the last year) have been such a learning experience for me. Lots of self-reflection on purpose and identity and where the source of where those come from. Without a job do I have purpose? Who am I when I can't tell people what I do? I for sure am not going to identify as an antiques dealer (to catch some of you up, I was helping my grandmother clear out stuff in the house and sold about 12 radios, and random other things). Thankfully those days are now behind me. And value. Do I have value when there isn't anyone around to place that value on me? F' (not cursing cause I'm pretty sure my aunt the pastor will read this and probably my sister) yeah I do but most days I have to repeatedly remind myself of this. It's been a very revealing time. I feel stripped bare. My meditation instructor (from that 8 week course I took with that famous actor) would always remind us to bring our thoughts back with compassion. I bring my thoughts back with a little bit of scolding and guilt, the compassion part is still a learning process. Another reason why I meditate. I've also realized I'm really judgey but also realized it's because I am so very, very judgemental of myself. Projecting anyone?
I've been posting a lot of memes lately. The kind where there's a box and words that sounds wise or funny and wise or "spiritual". Always it's something that speaks to me. I've gotten a few "thanks for posting that" or "I really like seeing those" from some friends which has been encouraging. But mostly I post them because I want them there to remind myself. Recently one said something about not being lost. But to be honest I have felt really lost the last few months. But "not all who wander...", right? In the end I believe this is good for me. I really do. Ok world, strip me of everything I've ever used to define myself and lets see what's left. And what I'm realizing is there is a lot left. Everything happens for a reason. It'll all be ok in the end. At least I'm crossing my fingers.
Something else I've learned from sharing with friends is most of us don't know what the F we're doing. We don't know what we want to do when we grow up. We thought we did but the world has a great way of turning that upside down. Also, most of us have anxiety in some form. THANK YOU. For the longest time I thought that was just me. Join the party guys! It's way more fun when we're all in this boat together. Even if we're freaking out together because we think its sinking.
And here I am in my boat heading toward Portland.
Change is hard. Saying goodbyes is sad. The last week or so I've had to remind myself that I chose this! This is something I chose to do because it's what I wanted. And I do want it, but the road got really cloudy for a bit. And when the clouds of emotions part I'm excited to see green trees, alternative style haircuts, front yard veggie gardens, and growlers of kombucha.
But what I really want out of all this? What will help make all this heartbreak, life change, challenges, getting laid off, worth it? To grow and to grow in love with myself. Because in the end it's me and me and I'm tired of leaning on people who leave and losing myself in the process. This is my time. This is my life. And g'dammit I'm going to pick a direction, enjoy the solitude and adventure, and be happy in the process.
Self-discovery. Maybe in honor of this road trip that's what I'll name that Poke bird.
