Feelings on a page

So prior to Ironteam, heck prior to my last relationship, I used to write a lot of poetry.  It's how I would get feelings out, especially intense emotions.  Apparently I wrote this 2 years ago (I have an idea on who it's about) and saved it as a draft in my gmail.  I was kind of impressed by it so I thought I'd share.  Lately the pen and paper have been coming out.  I'm rusty but looking forward to getting words flowing again.

sitting in the corner with nothing left to do

the silence is deafening but everyone is whispering

about every little secret about you

walking down the corridor hoping for nothing more

wishing you were invisible but somehow invincible

and for someone to care

let me tell you, i've been there before

long ago and sometimes when i walk out the door

but look to what you don't know

cause anything can be around the corner

at least thats what i'm hoping for

in a crowd on the phone pretending to be busy

but there's no one on the other end

i just don't want anyone to see me

stepping into something new, i don't know anyone here

just going for the ride, opening up my life

and that's where i met you

don't stop before it starts

the tunnel is too dark

you can't see what's at the end

The Off-Season and Lessons in Being Kind (to yourself)

While training for the Ironman I didn't really have time to think about other aspects of my life, relationships, career, etc.  Actually, I probably used it as an excuse.  Oh, I'm not happy with my current love life?  Well, it's ok, I'm too busy anyways.  Oh, I'm not feeling fulfilled at my job?  It's ok, cause it allows me to have enough energy after for swim practice...  But guess what?  I'm not training for an Ironman anymore.  

It kind of hit me all at once.  I flew home from Vineman and was ready to take on the world... and my social life.  But it didn't really happen that way.  I was pretty much stuck at home for a week due to stomach problems.  Maybe a little too much river water.  Actually Ironmans are really disgusting places filled with germs, dirt, sweat and... well we can blog about that later.  It sucked.  It took a week for my body to fully recover then I felt this immense pressure to do anything and everything.  I went on a handful of dates.  I went out to the clubs.  And there was a period of time where I went out of town 3 weeks in a row.  It was great!  It was exhausting.  

A saving grace was my decision to do some off season training with one of my coaches.  Once his race was over I got a plan and started running again.  Then I fell (in someone's drink!) and colored my knee purple, took a break, and now I'm back at it.  I think I'm coming back to Ironteam next season and I'd like to come back a better runner.  I'll be doing the Santa Barbara Intl half marathon and hoping for a PR.  But even though it's been short 45min workouts so far it's been really hard to start up again. Things just feel heavy and mentally long.  When a 10mi run used to be my recovery and I could just run and glance at my Garmin and 5mi had miraculously gone by.  Now I have 6mi runs and at 2mi wonder when this shit is going to be over.  But then, isn't this still just a distraction from the rest of my life?

knee is still purple.

The other night I was in a bad mindset.  I was feeling really unsatisfied.  With the Ironman I felt I had a purpose, I had a goal.  Now I felt goal-less, round, and alone.  Everything in my head was crashing down and I felt overwhelmed with it all.  The peak of not happy.  I had the option to go swim or talk about my feelings with a good friend.  Even though working out makes me feel great and accomplished it's only for that day.  While talking about it doesn't make me feel as good it helps me reflect and dig deeper into what it is I want to do be doing here.  

I made the right choice.

One of the best pieces of the night was the question of how do I become happier with my life?  And my friend in all her glorious years of experience gave me this pearl of wisdom.  

"It's going to be really hard to be happy with your life if you're not happy with yourself."  

Some people may ask me why I attempted an Ironman distance race.  Is it because of my competitiveness?  An item on my bucket list?  Hell no!  I started running and doing races because I wanted to not be fat!  And skinny leads to becoming more attractive which leads to girls being attracted to me which leads to a relationship, which in my head I imagine I'll be happier.  But the grass is always greener, isn't it?  

Now my sister and I look related but even though we're the same height there is one huge difference (other than the fact that I look like a butch lesbian and she doesn't), she's about 60lbs lighter than I am. She's always been skinny.  But over and over she's expressed to me that even she has self-image issues.  Everybody does.  You mean when I'm at my ideal weight and have toned arms and abs I won't be automatically happy?  

I told a friend this recently.  "I'd rather be a fat old happy lady that loved herself than a skinny lady scared of missing a workout and worried all the time about getting fat."  Cause life isn't fun when you're scared all the time, or when your self-value is based on something that is always changing.  

One of my favorite friends from college lives far away now (in one of my favorite cities, but only when the weather is nice) and she's pretty much been in a relationship since I've known her.  And guess what?  Over and over she's explained to me that not everything is love song serenades and candlelight dinners in a relationship.  It's nice in that cute honeymoon phase and then life kicks you in the ass and you have different opinions, hidden thoughts, and two imperfect people.  

Since that night I've been trying to consciously be nice to myself.  When normally I would be berating myself for not completing that workout or for eating so much I've decided to stop, take a step back, and just be nice.  

Augh, we're (I usually think in we, is that weird?) walking again.  This is shit.  I'm not doing the work out right.  Wait, it's hot as balls and my calf is cramping, it's ok.  You want to walk you can walk we'll just do the next interval right.  Oh, we're still walking?  Then we just know to not workout during our lunch hour till the temp significantly drops, ok?  We'll do better next time.  

Something that I tried to do a long time ago that I never pay attention to is this:

Isn't she cute?  Aren't I cute?  Yup, that's baby me.  I found this photo at my parents house a long time ago and I stole/took/claimed it.  It sits on my desk at work and I barely look at it (need to look at it more) but the point of having it was this:

I love babies.  All I want to do is hug children and tell them they're special, they're invaluable, and that they are loved.  So when I look at this baby and think those amazing things, I need to also remember that, hey, - that's me. I am special, invaluable and am loved and worth loving.  No matter what I look like.  No matter if there's a physical person here telling me these things.  The important thing is that I think this.

So maybe we should all be a lil nicer to ourselves cause if the meanest person in your life is the voice in your head, then life won't really be what you want it.  Will it?

I knew there was a reason I liked Amy Poehler.