Precedent

Precedent

Definition: an earlier event or action that is regarded as an example or guide to be considered in subsequent similar circumstances.


My heart hurts.  The world.  The nation.  My current city.  It reminds me of that feeling I would get after I left the church.  After I was confronted multiple times for being gay.  After the pastor told me that I could not work with children, be involved in music, be a leader in ANYTHING, then the straw that broke the camels back - could not speak to certain people.  I was heartbroken.  How he, a spiritual leader in the community that I loved, saw me as a threat.  Saw me as an outsider.  Someone who didn't belong.  He bullied me out.  

Now whenever I walk into a church I look around in distrust at the smiling faces.  Fearful that they look at me in recognition that I'm different.  And that they too believe I don't belong.

That's what the world feels like now.  

And I know it's not completely true.  Not everyone voted for Trump.  Not everyone who voted for Trump believes... blah blah blah.  But there is a sense of unease.  This uncomfortable haze of distrust.  Disbelief.  

I have friends who are debating whether to get married now instead of later, just in case.  There are talks in a queer facebook group looking for self-defense classes, offering pepper spray for those who cannot afford it, offering rides or to walk together in groups, just in case. A friend is considering marrying our mutual friend so they can stay in the country, just in case.  So much fear. My friend's wife was wrongfully terminated from her job, I cannot even completely explain why because it sounds so stupid to me.  They confronted her after she cried while a co-worker spoke about their fears after the election.  They said it was an inappropriate show of emotion.  Then they proceeded to ask her when she was going to leave the organization.  Now my friends are talking about leaving.  Moving some where else, possibly out of the country.

Because the devil was given a megaphone.  And I didn't believe anyone was listening.

And subsequently the pandoras box of internet trolls was released into real life.  The people who used to hide in the shadows now say these things in the light.  

I hid the first week.  Not intentionally.  I didn't even realize I was hiding till I finally went out in public and realized I was searching the restaurant for other people of color.  Looking around to make sure I wasn't the only one.  That I wasn't alone.  Just in case.

A friend and I spoke tonight about it.  Is the fear justified?  Or are we just scared.  So far no one I know has had racist slurs slung at them.  No one I know has been told to "go back home".  I have not been attacked by a gang of homophobes.  But there have been stories.  Reports. Fear runs the halls.

I even considered moving back to Los Angeles for a lightening fast moment.

But as the fear was about to take form into a panic attack, and my thoughts turned to my xanax for help, I realized something.  I cannot hide.  We cannot run.  We should not flee. Because if we gather and hide, who is left to challenge those who are left?  Who will be left to penetrate the bubble?  To protect the generations who come after us?  This is the time to stand tall, proudly, in the spotlight, because they will never believe we belong if we don't claim our space.  Claim our rights, our land, our humanity.  I am a human being, and I belong here just as much as you do.

It's time to get involved.  I admit I was politically complacent.  "Oh it will work out." But it didn't this time.  So I'm signing up.  To volunteer within groups of color.  To volunteer for gay rights.  To educate myself on how to protect my trans brothers and sisters.  It's time to get to work.

Protect each other.  Fiercely defend each other.  For the weak, the poor, the marginalized.  I will fight for you, and I'm asking you to fight for me too.

It's a call to arms my friends.  And our weapon is us. 


"In 1988, President Reagan signed the Civil Liberties Act to compensate more than 100,000 people of Japanese descent who were incarcerated in internment camps during World War II. The legislation offered a formal apology and paid out $20,000 in compensation to each surviving victim. The law won congressional approval only after a decade-long campaign by the Japanese-American community."     Carl Higbie I think this should be your precedent.  The US recognized this was a mistake and said they were sorry. We will not let this shameful mistake happen again.

Not a vacation...

The first week I was here I felt like I was on vacation.  Eat all the food!  Explore all the places!  Go everywhere!  I'm really good at putting pressure on myself to get everything done NOW.  Go, go, go.  I'm learning to have compassion with myself.  To allow myself to slow down and enjoy the moment.  It also helps to remind myself that "hey! you're going to be here for a while.  you have time."  On top of that there is the pressure (in my head) to make friends and get a job.  Do it now!  Put that altogether with my new bad habit of watching Netflix before bed which leads to not sleeping till late = I'm tired.  

So I'm hoping to focus more on self-care in a balanced combination of job hunting.  

My recipe of self-care:
Meditate
Morning smoothie
Workout
8 hrs of sleep

Journal

+less or no caffeine.  As much as I think I'll enjoy coffee, it always leaves me feeling anxious.

We'll see how it goes.

In frugality I trim my own hair... this time I messed up and decided to go with the mess-up.  This led to shaved head, which is very cold on a chill breezy morning.  It's growing on me.  I do like the look when styled but when working out?  It looks like a crazy wet mop on my head.  Also, veins on the side of my head are weirding me out.

Schnitzel is adapting well I think, though she's been getting more anxious since Grandma isn't here to keep her company all the time.  She's chewed up more things in the last two weeks than in the last year (most importantly and expensively my mouth guard for sleeping).  A friend has this backpack, and I've also talked about it with random dog owners so we went to Timbuk2 to try it out.  She can sit in it, though I think it may be a little tight with the side window closed.  It's TSA approved so I'm hoping this allows me to take her more places and will work if we ever need to fly together.  She's had her last two meals in it, trying to get her acclimated along with positive associations with being in it. Doesn't she look excited?

My lovely roommates gifted me with herbs!  Basil, parsley, and mint.  It was rough going at first but once I moved them to a bigger planter/pot and in a slightly shade-y/sunny spot they are alive and almost thriving.  Hoping I inherited a green thumb from my family!  I'm looking to collect a few more house plants for my room and some edible ones for outside.

Before.

 After.

Before unpacking the furniture I brought, the house decided we should get the work needed in the living room done.  After a week and a half of sanding, patching, wiping, priming, and painting - we are done!!!

My view from the deck of the backyard where I blogged most of today's posts.  The wifi is a lil slow outside but it was nice to sit in the sun for a while.  Trying to soak up as much as I can before it starts to get more into overcast/rainy season!

So that's a lil bit of an update.  I've had minimal homesickness but I think that may be because I've been keeping myself so busy.  There was one day where I got slightly choked up after showing a new friend a picture of my niece, but this was also after a drink.  I miss my close friends in LA, the familiarity of the city (getting the hang of Portland but heavily relying on GPS), and above all else my family, niece, and sister.

I like talking on the phone, but in the age of texting I'm not sure who else does.  Text me if you want a phone call or to video chat!  Much love friends!

Blue Start Donuts

Blue Star Donuts

www.bluestardonuts.com/
Address: 3549 SE Hawthorne Blvd, Portland, OR 97214
Phone:(503) 477-9635

*Actually you can try these too if you like. They have a location in Los Angeles on Abbot Kinney.*

Donuts are a thing here.  From the highly popular and creatively decorated Voodoo Donuts (which I'd still like to try, at least for the novelty) to the interesting techniques and flavors of Blue Star.  After seeing the line to Voodoo (I'm not that big a fan of lines, which is why it took me so long to go to Tsujita Ramen on Sawtelle) I decided to go to Blue Star.  I've had their donuts before but I had not eaten any since moving and was craving the initiation.

Now these are not your local donut shop donuts.  They're about $3 to $3+ a pop and come in flavors like Mexican hot chocolate, passion fruit, your standard bacon, etc.  In a way it reminds me of my old shop California Donuts (near 3rd and Vermont).  While California was about the toppings of cereal or cute oreo pandas, Blue Star has a step up on flavor delivery technique.

 From the top right: Passion Fruit, Cointreau Creme Brulee, PB+J

Yes, that is a pipette of Cointreau sticking out of that donut.

For example, while waiting in line, a Blue Star employee was topping the creme brûlée donuts with sugar then using a blow torch to caramelize it.  Also, pipette of cointreau?  Fancy donut.  My favorite is the PB+J.  Slightly different than the last time I had it, which was a pepper jam, this time it was a touch of habanero (marionberry?) jam filled with peanut butter powder on the outside.  I like it, it has the warm familiarity of a PB+J, it's filled (which is something I enjoy in a donut), and the PB powder is just fun (but a little messy).

 It was a nice treat to go with my coffee and hopefully I don't eat the other two, which I'm hoping to save in case my roommates want some (but then again I don't know if they'll still be good in a day or if my roommate thinks it's worth fighting her gluten sensitivity for).  I'm sure I'll go again but generally when I want a treat I get ice cream, which in Portland is a whole other story.

Fried Egg: I'm in Love

Fried Egg I'm in Love

Address: 3207 SE Hawthorne Blvd, Portland, OR 97214
Phone: (503) 610-3447
http://www.friedegglove.com/menu/

Portland, the land of carts!  Instead of trucks, you'll see a smattering of random parking lots filled with carts/trailers/tiny houses with wheels.  These cart pods (which brings up images of dolphin shaped carts frolicking through the ocean) are great ways to grab a quick lunch, or some are huge draws with beer gardens, live music, perfect for an evening out.  

After seeing the long line at Voodoo Donuts (I still haven't tried it yet) on a Friday morning I decided to go in search of a donut elsewhere.  With a Blue Star down the street I spotted this cart and decided to get an impromptu breakfast (this was right after muay thai, so I was hungry - see previous post).  

A menu of breakfast sandwiches, and one burrito, you can choose a variation of meats, additions, and vegetarian or gluten free options.   I chose the SMELLS LIKE PROTEIN SPIRIT ($5.75) comprised of a fried egg, my choice of bacon, cheese, and upon the offer I added their aioli all on locally made sourdough bread.  (They have house-made sausage which usually I'm all about house-made, except I don't like sausage.  *insert lesbian joke here*)

After a wait and some coffee I was handed a sandwich that looked like something I could easily make at home.

Or so I thought.

With the first bite I realized, sure, I could try to make this at home, but it would not have the precision or care that came with this breakfast sandwich.  The sourdough was perfectly buttery and toasted on both sides.  The egg was well cooked and with a runny yolk (I LOVE runny yolks).  The bacon was not too thin and not too thick.  I love thick cut bacon but I hate it when you take a bite and it's so thick you can't bite through it and the entire piece gets pulled out.  The cheese was still melted and gooey.  And the aioli added just enough moisture without becoming a mayonnaise-y mess.  The yolk, cheese, and aioli was this delicious combination where you couldn't even tell where one started and the other ended, but it was all GOOD.  

I thought about taking a picture after the first bite to show you how yummy it was but decided it wasn't worth stopping to do so.

Would I go back?  If I was in the area and at the right time, totally.  Plus side, they also serve mimosa's and beer.

Northwest Fighting Arts

I've always wanted to start a food blog but kept putting it off.  I wanted a good looking website.  I wanted a DSLR camera so I can take pretty pictures of what I'm eating.  Blah, blah, blah.  But today I realized, I want to keep track of where I've gone in Portland, especially if friends visit and want recommendations.  How am I going to remember them all?  I have a blog already, might as well just write whatever I want, and by no means, does this blog have to stay Ironman or even fitness themed.

So here we are.

Transitions

I'm writing this from a Best Western in Redding, California.  I turned on PokemonGo and there was only one PokeStop in the area, maybe the whole city.  That's how I feel right now, like I'm in the middle of nowhere.  But I did catch a bird.  A poke bird, not a real one.  I love it when people share the names they've made up for their Pokemon.  I've been sitting here trying to muffle my giggles at what Jenny Lawson named her Pokemon.  I think one was "Sad Balls".  Maybe I'll name this bird "City Pigeon." 

I haven't been sleeping well lately.  I guess that's to be expected with a lot going on.  Mostly I stay up into the night and drowsily watch Captain Janeway say fake science-y things with, what I assume, are mostly made up big words.  (Star Trek for the uninformed.  Also the actress who plays Red from Orange is the New Black.)  I've been trying to journal, meditate, and sleep in, but my biological clock is f'd up.  Without fail I'll wake up at 6:40am no matter when I've actually gone to bed.  I'm hoping once I'm settled in I'll relax a little and so will my body and mind.  With some discipline, and some drugs, I'll get a healthy routine going.  Same thing with my diet.  When I get emotionally overwhelmed my foodie tendencies go out the window and I don't eat as much.  It will be kind of nice to be more in control over my diet from now on.  Grandma cooked a lot of rice.  No more rice for me!  (except when I really want it)

The last 4 months (heck, the last year) have been such a learning experience for me.  Lots of self-reflection on purpose and identity and where the source of where those come from.  Without a job do I have purpose?  Who am I when I can't tell people what I do?  I for sure am not going to identify as an antiques dealer (to catch some of you up, I was helping my grandmother clear out stuff in the house and sold about 12 radios, and random other things).  Thankfully those days are now behind me.  And value.  Do I have value when there isn't anyone around to place that value on me?  F' (not cursing cause I'm pretty sure my aunt the pastor will read this and probably my sister) yeah I do but most days I have to repeatedly remind myself of this.  It's been a very revealing time.  I feel stripped bare.  My meditation instructor (from that 8 week course I took with that famous actor) would always remind us to bring our thoughts back with compassion.  I bring my thoughts back with a little bit of scolding and guilt, the compassion part is still a learning process.  Another reason why I meditate.  I've also realized I'm really judgey but also realized it's because I am so very, very judgemental of myself.  Projecting anyone?

I've been posting a lot of memes lately.  The kind where there's a box and words that sounds wise or funny and wise or "spiritual".  Always it's something that speaks to me.  I've gotten a few "thanks for posting that" or "I really like seeing those" from some friends which has been encouraging.  But mostly I post them because I want them there to remind myself.  Recently one said something about not being lost.  But to be honest I have felt really lost the last few months.  But "not all who wander...", right?  In the end I believe this is good for me.  I really do.  Ok world, strip me of everything I've ever used to define myself and lets see what's left.  And what I'm realizing is there is a lot left.  Everything happens for a reason.  It'll all be ok in the end.  At least I'm crossing my fingers.

Something else I've learned from sharing with friends is most of us don't know what the F we're doing.  We don't know what we want to do when we grow up.  We thought we did but the world has a great way of turning that upside down.  Also, most of us have anxiety in some form.  THANK YOU.  For the longest time I thought that was just me.  Join the party guys!  It's way more fun when we're all in this boat together.  Even if we're freaking out together because we think its sinking.

And here I am in my boat heading toward Portland. 

Change is hard.  Saying goodbyes is sad.  The last week or so I've had to remind myself that I chose this!  This is something I chose to do because it's what I wanted.  And I do want it, but the road got really cloudy for a bit.  And when the clouds of  emotions part I'm excited to see green trees, alternative style haircuts, front yard veggie gardens, and growlers of kombucha. 

But what I really want out of all this?  What will help make all this heartbreak, life change, challenges, getting laid off, worth it?  To grow and to grow in love with myself.  Because in the end it's me and me and I'm tired of leaning on people who leave and losing myself in the process.  This is my time.  This is my life.  And g'dammit I'm going to pick a direction, enjoy the solitude and adventure, and be happy in the process. 

Self-discovery.  Maybe in honor of this road trip that's what I'll name that Poke bird.