I've felt less and less like writing in this blog. I think the reality that the Ironman is coming and just how hard things have gotten has hit me and there's lots of thoughts of fear and pressure that I'm almost ashamed to write them down. This blog was going to be celebrations of what I was doing and intended to be an inspiration to others but lately I've felt less like an inspiration and more like someone clinging for survival. I used to be proud of never shortening a workout but that streak was over a while ago with new physical pains that pop up now and then. The funny thing is after hearing from other teammates, my pains don't seem as intense as theirs and they keep it going. I'm really good at self-preservation. If something hurts I assess and if it's small and dull then I keep going assuming it goes away. If it doesn't go away and gets worse I stop. I cannot push myself when I'm worried about injuries and making something worse. On race day that will go out the window. But I wonder if this strategy has hurt me this season. One of the things that has been repeated is that we need to give it all in practice so that we will be prepared for the race. Practice hard so the race doesn't feel so hard.
Saturday was a rough day. A 5/3 brick which really doesn't describe my day. Times rarely are made for me being a slower athlete so let's go with mileage minimums, 70/16. My bike was good. It went well, I think. I could have pushed it harder but I was just glad to be done and wanted to keep some for the run. Two separate loops in Westlake with maybe 3 category 5 hills, nothing I couldn't handle. I was super impressed with my teammate "Happy Bunny" who was pushing herself and passed me at one point. She's come so far! Lots of flat tires, which reminds me I want to go buy a couple new ones. I've noticed nicks in mine. I stopped to help a teammate out and let her borrow my valve for co2 canisters. Always good to practice changing your tires and making sure you have everything you would need in case one goes out during the race!
The run was shit. Really. I tried everything I could to keep cool and it just didn't feel like it was working. The beginning of the first loop of the run felt ok then I realized I had to pee so I detoured to find a restroom. Relieved I kept going then made my way up the hill through the "dessert". A hilly neighborhood with no shade and the sun's intense heat reflected back to you by the concrete and asphalt. This is when I melted. It's amazing to get so hot that when you hold an ice cube to the back of your neck you can't feel it. Every aid station I packed my bra and white cap with ice and ran with a rhythmic "chunk, chunk" sound. Every so often I would check if I still had ice in there because I no longer could feel that either. I was drinking. I wasn't feeling bloated, a sign of dehydration, but I just couldn't keep cool. I had a bottle of water and ice the whole time to splash on myself which gave me moments of cooling but would quickly fade back to roast, like basting a turkey. If it wasn't for my teammate who joined me, or let me join him, I would have given up after mile 8. We ended up walking for a majority of it but I did finish, I guess I have that. Part of me just feels less of an athlete because I'm so slow. My loving teammates do a tunnel for the last person coming in and it's cute and awesome but I never want it for myself. Cause in my head it's this walk of shame. I don't want to be the last. I want to be faster. I don't want the attention telling me that I'm the one everyone's been waiting for. The rest of the run consisted of me taking moments to check if I was getting dizzy cause I definitely didn't feel 100%. During the final lap up the hill I stopped at SAG to refill and explained to my friend that I had to pee, which was a good sign that I wasn't dehydrated too badly. To remedy this we opened the front and back door of her car parked next to some bushes and I had my very own "room" to pee into the gutter. Yay. Several times neighbors would ask us if there was a race today and I was so tempted to ask one of them if I could use their restroom but our impromptu room was enough for me. I was getting worried there for a while that I would get caught on the side of the road by some bushes for public indecency. Oh the life of a triathlete.
So, will I get to hear these words over loud speakers? "Mel, you are an Ironman!" I'm not even sure if they yell this at the race... but I will give it my all. Give it till it hurts, give it till they pull me off the road. Give it all so I can look back and say I did everything I could. Self-preservation out the window when the goal is at hand.
