This will be short because my laptop is elsewhere and I'm typing this on my phone. Wildflower came and went. Sorry I didnt post leading up to it. I was having a hard time dealing with my nerves so it was better to juet keep it to myself for a while. I studied the course. We drove up to the site. It was dry. As ninja coach said "dryer than a popcorn fart." I envisioned myself crossing the finish line in tears and instead finished the bike in tears. I was frustrated because I started out strong maybe too excited. I kept telling my legs to warm up as I slowly went up beach hill. Some muscles hurt so I thoght they were just waking up. Then halfway through as I'm in aero my lower right back begins to hurt and is aggravated by the lifting of my right leg. Everything is connected. I kept telling myself "fuck pain" and pressed on. I'm good at self preservation, maybe too good. If something hurts im worried about injuries or making it worse. I stopped 3 times the whole course. Once to fill water bottles, once to pee before nasty grade, and then before the very top because I no longer felt hot and was worried about dehydration. There are some happy things to say. I counted my blessings along the way. My limbs, my body, my friends and family. The views were beautiful. I passed people walking up beach and nasty. Which btw wasnt so nasty. Ha. we do hills like that in our sleep. It was slow going for sure but I definitely passed walkers and people doing the zigzag climb. Passed them even with back pain. But after the climb I was hurting and my mind went to dark places. I questioned why I wanted to do this, did I really want to do this? But the truth now is that I've shed a lot of tears. I'm disappointed because I know I can do better. I know I have it in me. I want this. That medal will someday be mine. So here I am a couple days later taking a break during my core workout, I'm determined to start doing these religiously, and hoping I take this disappointment and turn it into action. No one can force me to try harder, I habe to want it and right now I want it. Time to do some crunches.
